Study No. 3: The thing you have but don't want

I recently found myself in a heavy place.

It was a Wednesday, and I did all I could

to shift the weight. I phoned a friend.

I served a friend. I blamed a friend. At

length, I became parental with myself, 

bearing down on my will and pulled so

hard on my bootstraps that they snapped.

Changing tact, I attempted to therapize

myself, offering the emotional duress a

cup of tea and a comfortable place in my

mind. The trouble with trying the tricks of

the trade on the self is sometimes the

mind knows what you are doing and 

will not be moved. 

I have heard more than seven times

the kinds of things people wish they did 

not have. 

I don’t want depression

I don’t want anxiety

I don’t want this relationship

I don’t want that job

I don’t want to be fat

I don’t want to be thin

I don’t want to feel this

way anymore. 

It is a mind melting phenomenon 

that for some time at least, we will

have the thing we do not want. 

We will be depressed. 

We will be anxious.

We will be in a poor relationship.

We will have a bad job. 

We will be overweight. 

We will be skinny. 

We will feel the way we are feeling. 

It is tempting to suspend the verse at 

this point. Leaving us all to ruminate on 

what seems like a slightly morose note.

There also seems to be more to the

conversation, like getting halfway on

a hike and knowing you could turn

back, but feeling compelled to finish

and take in the view. 

This may not be the view you were

expecting, but this is the one I found.

A common question often accompanies

the pain we endure: why? Our asking

seems to find its roots in the ancient

forum. Spectators, speculators, and 

expectorators alike argued the reasons

and rationale for why something was. 

Each school of thinking, like houses

at Hogwarts, offers a menu of options.

For some, life is framed and explained

by the doing of it. Be brave, set your

teeth and claim what is available to 

most (some exclusion apply). Not to

your liking?

Perhaps you prefer to see life through 

a veil of foregone conclusions. Your only

hope is to have no hope at all. I do not 

believe that explains anything (TBH). Did

your parents ever say to you growing up,

‘Because I told you so’? It's the worst. It 

can't apply to every situation and yet 

it explains a lot of the unknowns we face. 

I have this thing I do not want, because.

Because I am human. Because people

suck sometimes. Because people are 

beautiful and good other times. Because

the brain is doing what the brain does

and I have to learn how to change it

or adapt to it. I try to avoid cliches at all

costs, but it seems important that what we

have is less important than what we do with it.

Wherever you are and whatever you

are holding today, I acknowledge the

weight and the waiting and how acute

that pain can be and probably is right

now. I will not tell you why you have it. 

I will not tell you how to fix it. But if 

you will let me, I will sit here with you 

while you endure it. Just, because.