Passion Project Week 10: feed me first

Feed me first

Over and over again, a theme I see in my life and is echoed in the lives of those I serve, is the 'thing you don't want but have'. Right now, I have a course with very few students, when what I want is a course full of students.

All of us, no exceptions, and please come tell me if you think you are the exception, push against that thing we don't want. We work very hard to get it to go away. Or, we become lethargic and succumb to apathy as a way to avoid it. Or, we are swallowed by the anxiety of trying to control it, only to realize that there are very few external things we can control.

Now, you might be saying: I've done a lot of hard work to be a peace with the things I don't want but have. If that is the case, I agree that peace is possible, and my hope is that someday we will all be able to meet you there.

For the rest of us, what is to be done? How do we cope with the thing we have but don't want? The short answer: get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

The long answer: get comfortable with being uncomfortable and develop a lasting practice of acceptance and love.

Explanation. This passion project might kill me. I'm giving everything I can to make it affordable and for it to start paying for itself. I'm studying marketing methods. I'm talking with friends, family, strangers, and God. I'm literally working myself to death.

This week was particularly difficult. I'm managing some health issues, probably related to this project and the stress I'm creating by pursuing it. Those health issues are debilitating and frustrating. And what do I do? I push harder. I think, maybe if I keep pushing and find another angle then magic will happen and people will start registering for the course. And I have to say, good things have happened.

I was counseled to offer the course to a small cohort for free, so I did. I have three students who are currently taking the course free of charge. One of them is so beautifully open and excited. This one student has taught me how to better focus who this course is for and how it might help them. I am so grateful that we found each other and that the course is helping them. I really would do this for free if I could, and maybe I can -- who knows what will happen.

Even with growing evidence that the course is gaining attention, I stress and worry and wonder what will happen next.

What happened this week was not a paying customer. It was a not another registration. It was a whisper from heaven saying: feed me first.

In the Old Testament, the record tells of a great famine and how everyone is struggling. Elijah the prophet comes to a widow in the city of Zarepeth. She is preparing a last meal and then plans to die with her son from hunger. Elijah comes to her and asks her to feed him first. She explains that she only has enough to feed her and her son for one more meal. Still he insists that she feed him first and then feed herself and her son with the promise that the flour and oil will not run out until the famine is over. According to the record, it was exactly as Elijah said it would be.

In my extremity this week, the invitation to 'feed me first' was so profound. I see Elijah as a type of Christ. He was God's spokesperson and metaphorically represented God on earth. The widow was asked to feed Elijah first, or in other words, feed God first.

So often the Lord calls us to trust in this way. With the loaves and fishes, Peter walking on the water, the death of Lazareth. We are invited to give everything to Him and then receive.

Oddly enough, this created a lot of peace for me. The invitation seemed to say: do you trust me? I do trust, and I recognize that I'm human and would like some physical evidence as well, just to make me feel better. But it helped me step away from the constant worry and the anxiety of posting, creating ads, and waiting to know if my effort is creating the result I desire. Jesus often said that the miracle was performed so others would know and testify of his reality.

Have I seen a miracle of which I could witness? Yes, actually. It's not a million dollars. It is a child. I can testify that my wife and I had to give everything to the Lord to receive that child. He did not come when I wanted him. I had to accept everything the Lord was offering before it was possible. But everyday I sit with that boy and think of how he came from a literal dream in the night. I know that I must say it was a miracle from Heavenly Father.

Did that experience teach me how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable? If it did, I forgot. Did it teach me to 'feed the Lord first'? If it did, I forgot that as well.

This project is uncomfortable because I want something better for myself and for those I serve. I want to help make the world a better place, and if you haven't noticed lately, the world is not exactly warm and fuzzy. I know there are some 'uncomfortable places' that are more intolerable than others. I am not saying you are bearing it wrong if you don't want it. I'm saying that when I accept that I don't want it but it is where I am, it is easier to carry. Because if I have to carry the hard thing, I might as well acknowledge that it's hard instead of avoiding it.

I'm looking forward to telling you what I find this week as I focus on 'feeding God first'. I would love to hear from you and what you are finding as you work to find peace in your discomfort.

Till next week,

Slade